Mystify, Dramatize, Ponder

Last February 6 of this year I finally heard my name called by the dean as I walked to shake hands with Brother Armin. It was the most ecstatic sensation that I have felt in a long time. I had the biggest smile plastered on my face.

Nothing can replace the feeling of elation after having finally finishing college. I stuck through all those 6 and a half years. 1 year in a course I was not sure of. 2 years of getting mediocre grades and having a term discovering a 2nd chance love causing a year of distraction. 2 years of doing well, getting in the deans list and having good times as well. 2 years of finally finding the one, 1 year  and 1 term spent doing nothing in school and many cover-ups, and finally 2 terms of serious thesis, earning me a vaunted 4.0 and words of encouragement for higher education and a published work.

No matter what they say I feel accomplished. I've been through a lot and not many would understand it all. Just like Kevin Garnett said," You can actually appreciate the ending of the story, once you appreciate the struggle." Define my struggle, denote my inner battles, divulge in my outer debacles and you will earn the right to enliven my story.

To my girl, for all the challenges you made that molded a much stronger character in me, for all the love, and for the ideal.

To my little princess, my inspiration and my motivation.

To my girls, you all know who you are, for the scolding, understanding, patience and time spent listening and being there for me, even in times of embattlement.

To my boys, for the trashing and times of stress elimination, for the many drinks we've all had with the girls and without, for being there in times of duress.

To the rest of my friends, who played parts in my college life and been there for me always till now, even those who are fading and pop up there and there.

To my academic mentors, for the knowledge and wisdom.

To my parents and family, for their patience, and for reality.

To God, who never left and will always be there.

THANK YOU! You may never hear me say it much, but it is written here, and immortalized in time.

FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES IN THIS GOOD LIFE, AND FOR ALL THE GOOD TIMES TO COME, I will be there with my loved ones.

LIVE THE GOOD LIFE FOR THIS IS IT.

I was 6 months old I think by the time of the EDSA revolution. So I don't have firsthand experience but I have learned a lot about it throughout my studies since a child till now.

In my opinion people then were really united for a just cause in which maybe 99% marched for freedom while the other 1 percent or less marched just to join in the "fun", or be part of the group, or just to say I was there.

Compare this to EDSA DOS. Which I really believe was rigged planned for the most part but I can't support my opinion with any solid evidence or a good debate.

Compare this to Corys funeral. I like Cory and admire her for what she did for freedom. As a president she was a total failure, but of course she was not all to blame and I believe that she meant well, but still I'd rather have Ramos who was more in charge and Erap who had a thinking cabinet or even GMA, on second thought maybe not GMA.

Compare.

Unity without just cause, without right reason, brings in a mob.

But hey, they say Rome was just a mob in her day.

People love, I for one love a lot of things, I love cam, my car, my soon to be daughter and my alone time.

People also hate, I don't hate a lot of things, but I can hate someone so much right now.

If revulsion had a picture in the dictionary it would be A.R. (person)

 

For starters when I met her she was O.K. I mean, she was good to talk to, and I was not that scared to meet her like I was before with my other my-gfs-moms. She was kind of easier to get along with, and kind of liked me from the start. Months later she started to shed her skin, colors changing from white to freakish purple. Well of course there were reasons for this, her daughter of course and me.

She hated it when we lie and come home the morning after. She also hates it when I slip up like this one time when cam got sick and I choose to go home (I was away from home for almost a week) and could not stay with her and take care of her. I think thats where it started to spiral downwards. Every little thing I did wrong she hated me for it. She had this dual bullshit of being plastic and then being so blunt that she insults you in front of people. Of course at first I tried to remedy it and take all her crap, but enough is enough. You can do away with pride if it matters so much but don't let it affect your dignity. There were so many times that I want to talk back, to just embarass her in front of people (I could do it in trinoma or luneta), but I could not, I just held back for I know things would only get worse if I fought back.

But believe it or not, these are not the main reasons why I hate her.

I never thought I would see in real life a mom such as her, who could be so cruel and terrible to her kids, especially her daughter. I thought those moms only live in TV and shit. But hell, she's much worse than some of those soap opera monsters.

She treats her daughter like she was the reason for every misgiving and disaster in her life. The bitch is so full of insecurity, that she has to take it out on her own flesh and blood. It's not cams fault that she's beautiful and her mom's the wicked stupid ugly stepmom from the fairytales. She would even hurt cam in front of me, and would not say sorry after. What kind of mom would hurt her daughter repeatedly even if front of people. What kind of mother would raise every expletive known to her simple vocabulary in such a volume that the whole street would hear. What kind of mother would kick her own daughter out of the house not once, not twice but thrice. The first time she kicked her out was when she was so young.

The last time was when I was even there, Its no suprise that her own daughter has trouble respecting her, even her son. She kicked her out of the house after midnight and all I could do was follow cam, we slept at a cheap motel a cubao wondering what we would do after all that happened. She called the next morning telling her to come back, but there was not one word of "sorry" from her.

And worst of all right now, cams pregnant, and she does not give as much as a shit, constantly threatening to throw her out of the house and telling her "HINDI KITA RESPONSIBILIDAD" Hell you're her mom, No matter what shit she may have done or what shit could have happened you are still the mother who is supposed to be there for her child no matter what.

Lastly money, her mom earns money from her work of course as a secretary, but what does she do? She spends it at the casino and other things. Oh, and she made her daughter stop studying, she does not give her money either. A.R. actually does not pay for groceries, cam does. Cam also pays for telephone bills, electricity bills and others. What does this bitch pay for? Cam's pregnant what the hell is wrong with you? I understand that you won't pay for the pregnancy and any other related bills but come on, food? You won't even buy food until your kids are hungry.

Oh and another thing, once our child comes out, the bitch won't have anything to do with her unless she's pretty. WHAT A BITCH. I'll tell you what, you won't have anything at all to do with her, you will not touch her. You will not get anything from me I DON'T care if you lay crippled on the street, I would spit at you. I abhor you, I detest you, I loathe you, you disgust me and I condemn you as a person. I judge people, a lot of times am wrong, but with you, I may be wrong in the fact that I don't know what other sins you may have done or will commit.

It is no wonder your husband left you. Its no suprise if your kids would leave you sooner or later.

The only thing that keeps me happy when thinking of you is the thought that you will never be happy. NEVER. I hope the day comes when I could show pity on you. That you would deserve to be pitied. Sympathy is too big a word for you.

I have a lot of problems in my life, some small some big, even so there are others who have bigger problems than me. that's why when I tell my problems I don't relate to it to the highest or worst sense. I hate people who do that, thinking that they have it the worst, worse than 50-90 percent of the people in the world.

To some people, happiness is love, riches, fun and just living their day redundantly because they don't lack necessity. To some, happiness is finding a meal or scraps for their kids. Happiness is just being happy to see the sun for one more day in their war-torn location. Could these innocent (ignorant), closed (self-absorbed) people really be so dramatic while others are just happy being alive?

It breaks my heart more than anything that I walk by my school, and see that I am the only one who hands out some change to those homeless and in need. I get riled up by people who make excuses or with a mindset that these kids are scammers or part of a syndicate, that this homeless middle-aged bum is just going to by a beer with the coins he collects.

Even if those reasons have a knack of being true, percentages may vary from 15 to 99. It's just how could you pass by, not even thinking of the 1 percent chance that he is just a hungry person begging whatever he could just for a next meal?

At times I don't give, for whatever reason (no change, no money), but I always feel sad whenever I pass them by, and I always think for 5 minutes to 30 about the moment passed that I did not help a person who was 100 to a thousand times worse of than I. 

Damn it, really, most of the people walking there have 2 cell phones, an ipod, keys to a car, makeup that costs 3 to 4 zeroes and a wallet with more than 500 pesos cash for the day. How could you afford to not even glance at them? Hearts of stone?

MRT, North ave, the bridge:

There you will always see a woman who is in need of eye surgery, and a man in need of medical attention due to a neck affliction. For the past months I used the MRT North ave station for at least 2 times a month, I always give these two people the change I save over for them before going home, (except for one time I only gave the man, for I had money only for my MRT ride, Bus ride, I forgone riding the trike home). Three days ago I was there, I did not see the guy. If you are one of those who think about faking diseases first before anything, then, hope your always right. Chances are, YOU COULD be.

If anyone of us could have wishes, please, use one of them for more compassion and care around the world, or even just to open the eyes of those who refuse to see the reality of the less fortunate.

We all wish for a fairytale story, let our fairytale story be that of not only ourselves to matter.

I'm pissed, pissed at my dad who's such a dick being the biggest killjoy in the world and thinking he knows what young adults think nowadays. Im even more pissed and irritated at my mom for never ever ending her menopause which has been on since 40 something. Good thing I have songs to direct my annoyance to.

The babys coming out by July, now Im wondering if my parents will treat my kid the same way they treated my nephew. I know they're pissed and all and I get it, who wouldn't be pissed, Im still studying and being a jerk plus I had lots of potential and am not doing anything, don't know thats just me. It's just like I need something I just don't know what.

 

I'm gonna get so angry and pissed like theres hell over frozen water if my parents treat my kid like he's nothing. If the way they treated my nephew was still better as if he's they're son. Man they don't have to be such dicks not caring at all, only caring about what would I do and shit, but I know that already, I know all the things that i need to do just not doing them to the best of my abilities. They treat my nephew as if he's such an angel and that he really is a son to them. I hate that, that they don't give any anticipation to the grandson they are getting very soon, they don't care much, well not like the ones I know who have gone through the same situation I have. It's like as if they only care about getting it all done the money and all the touble.

 

I can't get my thoughts together, my entry's scattered. I'm gonna be a hell of a better parent than my parents are. If my son goes through a situation like this, I would support him all the way and show more concern.

 

Man, I don't know how to write anymore.